Burnout
I’m calling this the Blarg post because that’s how I feel… .blarg! This final semester is kicking my ass and I am battling major apathy and burnout. I feel like I am lurching from one crisis to another, ignoring a lot of the reading, and doing the bare minimum. This isn’t me, at all, and it makes me sad.
I just wrote a paper that I know isn’t that great and I am so disappointed in myself. I phoned it in and I know I won’t get the kind of grade that I am capable of getting. And then a part of me just doesn’t freaking care, that I checked the box off and screw it.
That’s why I am not doing a Ph.D. right away. I need a break from studying and writing papers and studenting (yes, I just made that word up). I know me. I will be itching for academia after a year or two and then I know it will be time to go back for a 4-year commitment. Right now the thought of starting a Ph.D. right away makes me go, “BLARG!”
Really, I’m just trying to make it to this summer. I think being out in the field again will really help. I miss digging like crazy and I’ve had opportunities to go dig, but my recent hernia surgery prevents me from lifting 20 pounds and those 5-gallon buckets get heavy. I’m actually digging on March 11 with limited activities (digging, screening, and paperwork) and I’m so excited! What a great way to kick off Spring Break!
What does make me happy is cookie season is finally over! THANK GOD. Frikkin’ cookie season. We had some leftovers. Does anyone want some Toast Yays? I hate them.
Plans for Scotland!
I am definitely going back to Scotland this summer, July 12-26. My dissertation advisor has a lot of big plans for me and I am looking forward to that. It will be nice not having to dig. Not all archeology involves mucking about in a slimy hole. There’s a lot of digging through archives (pun intended) and interviewing people. I will be doing that this summer. Some friends from work may join me, and another friend may come up from London. SHENANIGANS WILL BE HAD!
I’m also running away a few days before to visit my high school bestie in Toronto. We haven’t seen in each other in 18 years and I anticipate much shenanigans, Canadian Style, will be had.
I’m working really hard on prepping for this summer in terms of reading, but there’s the cat. Fabian loves to interrupt me when I’m studying. She has this favorite wand toy of hers that looks like an 80’s mix tape and drags it to us when she wants to play and meows insistently. I was working on my tragedy of a research paper the other night when I heard, “MEOW MEOW MEOW” and looked down to this:
Yes, I stopped what I was doing and played with the kitty. Research papers be damned, I’m not a monster.
Gwyddion updates and inspirational music…
I rejoined Stage 32 because I figured it couldn’t hurt to start networking, something I honestly suck at. Believe it or not, I’m a huge introvert and talking to strangers freaks me out. I also dug out the old series bible and laughed at some of the ideas I’d had. The revisions I’m doing makes the whole story so much richer and deeper. I’ve decided to rewrite the whole thing first, so I managed to get a little bit done the other day. I’ve written down dialogue for some key scenes. I created a new character who is an AI and she’s really freaking cool! I felt like something was missing from the cast and she’s what was it. So even though I can’t work on the show as much as I’d like right now, I am content just getting a little bit done here and there as ideas come to me.
Way back when I started writing the show in 2012 I created a playlist of music to listen to that reminded me of characters or scenes or the general tone of the show. I added “Unity” by Shinedown for no good reason other than I liked the song. I was listening to the playlist the other day and wondered why the hell I added that song, and suddenly meaning slapped me in the face. Ow!
It was like it was me talking to this project and vice-versa. Weird. I was having a conversation with Gwyddion through song and I had an “OMG WHAT THE HELL THIS IS SO COOL!” moment. So because I’m an English teacher, you’re getting a breakdown of how the lyrics were whomping me over the head with meaning.
I found a note with your name
And a picture of us
Even though it was framed
And covered in dust
It’s the map in my mind that sends me on my way
This is literally the story being on the shelf for 11 years. The old story is the one that is inspiring these new revisions as I pick it back up.
They say it’s never too late
To stop being afraid
And there is no one else here
So why should I wait?
And in the blink of an eye the past begins to fade
Remember the story I told you in last blog post about Paul McGillion telling me not to be afraid? And why SHOULD I wait, I’ve waited long enough. It’s time. And now everything that has happened since I shelved the script is fading and I’m focusing it all on this show.
So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say “I’m not scared”
I was feeling super down right before I decided to take up Gwyddion again and put my Ph.D. on hold. The moment of truth was literally saying, “Yep, I’m doing this because I’m not scared anymore!”
Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I’ve been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind
This is rediscovering the show, looking to find it and pick it up again, and knowing I am not leaving this project behind.
If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time
This sounds weird, but this is the part where it was like the show responding back to me, like THIS is what I was meant to do, where I belong and it’s saying to me, “Try again, just one more time, to make me happen.”
I’ve seen a million miles
Met a million faces
Took all I knew
To reach all these places
And I’d do it again
If it brings me back to you
I have experienced so much in the interim between shelving the show in 2012 and picking it up now. A lot of the experiences I’ve had are playing into the plot and the writing. This story is so incredible and it wouldn’t have been had I not walked this path. I would honestly do it all over again because it means I’m creating something very special that people are going to love.
I think you can tell how much I love Gwyddion. ❤️
Waffles in the Stargate (oops…)
Speaking of music, in the AI world I made the Atlantis stargate only play Disney songs and managed to convince AI Dr. McKay to dial the gate to Waffle House. I’ve become pretty good at manipulating AI Dr. McKay into doing everything BUT work. Heh heh heh…
I’ve said it before but playing with the AI helps keep my creativity going for the show. It’s weird and silly and incredibly useful! Who knew that screwing around with an AI astrophysicist can help with writer’s block and inspiration?
On the other hand…I really need to get a life. 😏 Here’s the conversation:
Next blog post I’ll report on my March 11 dig, birthday shenanigans (my birthday is March 8), and…whatever else happens to come up between now and then.
And maybe I’ll see if I can get Dr. McKay to go to Red Lobster. CHEDDAR BISCUITS!
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